Category: Parent Talk
Hi, all. Well, I was duing some volunteering at an integrated school for the blind, and The 4 year olds were asking many questions. I feel it is their nature to do so, as they are genuinely curious. Anyway, the teachers would answer, "because I said so." Are any of you in disagreement with that statement? Or do you think it's said to cut down meaningless discussion?
No, its to save teachers from over dosing on drugs.
Because I said so, now shut up, and sit down already!
Actually I've also heard parents say the same thing, do it because I say so.
I think it really depends on the child. Many children ask "why?" because they want to know, and I think that, wherever possible, they should be given an answer. But some children ask "why?" just to be irritating; they keep on doing it no matter what answers you give, and are not truly interested in the answers to their questions. However, in general, I find that adults use "because I said so" to keep their authority more absolute, or to avoid having to explain something in a way a child could understand. When I was growing up, I asked "why?" quite sincerely, and when my parents said "because I said so" I was deprived of understanding why the rules were as they were. When I was occasionally allowed to receive explanations for rules or punishments or anything else of that nature, I was much more apt to actually obey, or at least to consider changing what I was doing, because there was a valid reason to do so. Kids are, on the whole, more intelligent than many adults give them credit for; often giving a child a real reason rather than sticking to a convenient line will produce better results.
"Because I said so," is something I think of mainly from my parents' generation, though obviously it must still be being done. We tried to answer the daughter's questions when she asked. But yes sometimes some kids will just ask why over and over not wanting to know the answer. I don't remember the words the wife used then but I think she calls that redirecting. Me, I would pick up the baby monkey by her feet, tickle her feet and make her laugh and forget about the saying why over and over and over. Mainly, because when she did ask why for real, we always did want to answer.
I think it must be a certain demographic of people. Because much of what I see being talked about with parents on here seems to me to be stuff of my own parents' generation, long before many of you were even thought of, let alone born yet.
Maybe it's a stressed out overworked too many kids thing more than anything else. I don't know. Guess since I didn't do it I'm the wrong one to ask. lol
I can relate to Meglet's post. My mom said that a lot. Neither of my parents gave much explanation as to why things needed to be done, why things were the way they were, why I needed to do this and write that. And as a result I had trouble trying to think critically in school, especially on reading sections of those state exams they gave us. I would cringe at the thought of critical thinking questions because I wasn't given clear answers that I was curious about, and I wasn't challenged to answer these sorts of questions until later in life.
I detest the phrase "because I said so". it's a cop-out on the part of parents and educators and it should never be used, even in the case of annoying kids who don't care to know an actual answer. I find that when parents or teachers say "because I said so" it shows how weak and ingnorant they actual are, at least regarding the subject the kid is asking about. They'd rather dismiss the subject instead of get into it. And how cowardly. I am of the mind that we as parents should teach oru children, not exercise undue authority over them in the light of uncomfortable or difficult--or even complicated conversations. I think parents should show their authority by being good mentors, by leading in example. If I dont' understand a concept that my child is curious about in the furture, for instance, I look forward to saying, "well, I dont' actually know. How about we learn about it together?"
We have the internet, we as rents can ensure that things are braught to our children's attention at an age-appropriate level, and so there's no excuse for "because I said so". none at all.
If I ever catch myself saying that to my kid, I might as well shoot my own foot. lol
sorry for the typos in the previous message by the way.
Oh and leo, just in case you might be curious, your method of tickling the little one till she forgets about asking "why", is a form of redirection too. Just a little tidbit. :)
I agree wholeheartedly with Bernadetta, here.
"because I said so" is a cop out parents use, so they don't have to answer their child's questions, or they feel redirecting them is easiest, as they hope he or she may eventually stop asking questions.
But Why?
Meglet said it best. My parents and teachers very rarely used this line, and I'm glad of it. Most of the time, I was given an explanation for the questions I asked. I think I heard "because I said so," a couple times, but it was usually after I'd been deliberately irritating. I can see some very occasional use for it, there are times a child needs to obey the parents specifically because they are the parent, and the child needs to learn the parent has the final say, period. But I'd say 99.99% of the time, it's better to give an explanation. Like Meglet, I was much more apt to listen, or change my behavior, or understand why I was being punished, if it was explained. Most of t he time when this is used, it is as a cop-out.
I got it from my asshole father all the time.
And when are the times that a child doesn't need to know why, and that it's because the parent said so? I'm curious.
Hmm, I think that abominable choice of words should only be used if a child is in immediate danger. Lets say natural weather disaster warning or something, when a parent doesn't have time to explain, but will when everyone is safe.
My mom would use that cop out from time to time, but usually I got an explanation, or she would tell me we don't have time for this now, but I will explain and answer your questions later.
Yes, exactly. These are good reasons.
Here is some irony to all this:
So according to some of the young ones, we parents are supposed to never be short, always provide, of course they are always going to want their newest technology and latest phones and things which cost, which takes work, but we can't dare show that there might be times work takes us away from something of theirs. And when they wish to give us curt responses as teenagers, well of course, they're just needing their space and cam't be expected to do anything but express their feelings or maybe withhold them if they wish.
This one-sidedness many of you complain about regarding the parents has merit, but because it has merit, it means that consideration would have to be yielded from your side as well. Part of growing up, for those that do grow up, is the realization that we parents are in fact human, and we do make mistakes. I've made plenty of mine and I have had to apologize more than once. Then there are the times when something is required that needs immediate attention.
You all understand that at your schools and at your jobs there are deadlines or things that come up which don't always have an immediate explanation. That doesn't mean there isn't an explanation, it just means there isn't sufficient time for an immediate one.
And here's a good ol' favorite: Little teeny-ager wants to know why, yes this is good, then starts to roll the eyes and sigh, because an explanation of why may take more than say, six seconds? And with this attitude so constant, should you at all wonder older people at times cannot take it and simply refuse anymore. I may not have said the words "because I said so," and I don't even recall my own parents using those words, but there have been times when for a variety of reasons there isn't time for an explanation. And of course, like I said, when the explanation is offered, if it takes more than the allotted time decided by the teenager then said young person starts with the eye rolling, sighing and the like.
Do I claim that all that we do is right? No: in some ways you will improve over us. And that is only right: we at least think we improved over previous generations, and I know for a fact my parents endured some things they refused to put us through. However, it's pretty high-minded to assume you know what is best for and from us. Truth is, you may say you will never do this or that, but you don't know: you simply haven't been tested yet.
That's true of us, you know: I don't know how I'll be when I'm old. I think I know but I don't actually know yet. And I was never tested in the same ways you all have been growing up with the Internet, two wars and a recession. I can't presume on these things, because I was not there as a young person. I might think I know, and I might even be convinced of some things. Seems like you all are more aware of your future, your surroundings than we were. I might imagine that I would have been more studious or more considerate of long-term objectives, or more informed, having access to all this and having had to endure what you all have. But I don't actually know with certainty that I would do any differently than I did.
But I don't actually know. I will say I have lived to regret the times I ever said: "I would never do ..." fill in the blank. Often when the time comes, the situation is a lot more complicated than I had previously thought it was.
I can't even say I really know at this point if what I tried to do as a parent were improvements or not. Again, for the shortsighted, I'm not claiming that we are superior or anything. I am saying with certainty, though, that situations that you're talking about are often a lot more complicated than a few sound bites, pieces of trite slogans and shoulds can actually account for.
If none of the above applies to you, there's an expression worth learning: If the shoe fits, wear it.
I do know the Internet and Twitter and Facebook, and now maybe here to some extent, is full of long lists of what parents should or shouldn't do or be, long diatribes of romantic notions, just like the list of fifty things a girl wishes a guy knew. All totally inhuman and unrealistic. The only way you'll get either is through a synthetic model that you programmed. And with that kind of programming, you'll miss things too.
And in all honesty? You haven't had a response from someone who really does say "Because I said so." It's been mostly an echo chamber, sort of like when a girl posts to Twitter asking why do men hit. Except that all of us, the majority, who do not hit girls, actually cannot rightly answer that question. It's just a way to demonize all men as though they al l hit, or in this case have a junior high rant session about how terrible the parents are. With the requisite calls and requests for money afterwards, no doubt, by some.
You can't do that and expect to be taken seriously.
Leo, that was the thing though. My mom and step dad did their best to throw away some of the older and less effective aspects of being a parent, but in return, I was expected to problem solve, communicate and work with them as an adult. Were any of us perfect at all times? Hell no. but we all realized that give and take was the only way to effectively get things done.
Part of the not saying because I said so in a sense was the kids not acting like ass hats, and asking stupid/pointless/irritating questions. We all slipped, kids and parents. But we tried.
that's not to say it was the perfect situation because nothing is, and that's not to say my family life wasn't crazy, because it was... But before things completely exploded on that side of my family, both parties coming to the middle was the norm, and the expectation that was held by both sides.
I am only speaking in general terms. Every situation has its twists and turns that make it unique.
However, I will stand by my original statements, in general terms, even if they cannot be applied to every aspect of every situation.
i agree with Bernadetta. Completely dumb to use that phrase.